Talkin’ bout love, love, love

Talkin’ bout love, love, love

Love, Love, Love – Love is all ya need.  (Obviously, a Beatles Line – grin)

So, I just feel the need to say this, as it was another tennis court conversation the other day.  We discuss all sorts of things on the tennis court, good thing we just play for the fun of it – no big money here – haha…

What is it with people declaring their love for each other after the first date?  

When I first met my husband (yes, back in the dark ages – 1987) the “L” word just wasn’t something you said.  He probably won’t be very happy, but I can’t even remember who said it first.  The “L” word used to carry some weight with it.  It was a heavy word that meant commitment.  No one really wanted to be the first to say it, because… what happened if the other person didn’t love you back?  Oh, the embarrassment.   So people used to wait until they were sure the other person reciprocated their feelings before stepping out on that limb to say “I love you.”

These days it seems couples “love” each other after the first date.  This just blows me away (and the other people I was talking to about this).  How can you love someone you don’t know?  Is it really love?  How do you know?  Maybe it’s strong “like,” or even infatuation. 

I love Ben & Jerry’s Heath Bar Crunch ice cream. ( Oh, darn – now I’m thinking about it and I want some, sigh.  Thankfully, there isn’t any in the house, and I’m NOT going to run out and get some.)  We’ve all heard the childish remark “Why don’t you marry it?”  HAHAHA.  But really?  It’s a different love.  I have a few close friends and we say “luv ya, Girlfriend”, but that is a different kind of love, too.  I love my sons, I love my wonderful grandchildren, but I don’t love them like I love my husband. 

My husband is my best friend, and confidant.  He is my life partner and we meant our vows, in sickness and in health ‘til death do us part.  We even meant for richer, for poorer (grin).  That is the kind of love that a couple needs to make a marriage work. 

If you have no intention of marrying the person you just said “I love you” to – don’t say it.  Those words carry a commitment with them and if you aren’t ready to make that commitment – don’t say them.  Making a lifetime commitment to someone is not something you do with someone you barely know.   If you are saying “I love you” and you really mean “I want to sleep with you” – don’t say it.  It is misleading the person you are saying it to.  I have not seen the movie and I don’t like the term, but maybe you should be honest and say “I like you and would like to be friends with benefits.”  At least the person understands you are not committed to the relationship and have no intention of marrying them.

I know this is a little crass and I apologize, but please think about what you are really saying when you say “I love you” to someone, and make sure they understand which kind of “love” you mean.

Luv ya – grin

Okay,thank you all for letting me rant on with my opinions.  Ironically enough, the class I took tonight (in my Parenting Coaching Course) was about this very topic – what a coincidence, huh?  It was LOADED with great information, very thought provoking stuff…

The presenter was Dr. Chap Clark, a wonderful speaker – factual, toe stepping, yet entertaining too.  He talked about two Greek words for Love … Eros – the lowest form of love, anything that brings us pleasure and Agape- the highest level of love, a love for people.  {For this lesson, these were the only two mentioned, though Philos is in between the two.}

Teens/young adults are often times surrounded by people who are really in a relationship for themselves, for the pleasure it brings them, and when the relationship no longer brings them pleasure – or they find someone else who would bring them pleasure, they move on.  Studies show we are a product of our environment, so naturally many people fall into the same behavior as their peers.

Most teens/young adults are looking for Agape love, the selfless love of someone who truly cares about them.  They seek to be loved with Agape love, but they are loving with Eros love, because that is what everyone around them is doing.  In order to break the cycle and be loved with Agape love, you must love others with Agape love.  Not looking for what or who brings you pleasure but striving to bring others pleasure (and don’t go sexual on me here – that’s NOT what I’m talking about).  Eros love is temporary, Agape love it a commitment – just like I was talking about above – grin.

Chap demonstrated a “relationship graph” with topics down the side

Emotional
Physical
Social
Intellectual
Spiritual
Degree of Commitment

Along the top is the “amount of intimacy”

The idea being, as a relationship grows the amount of intimacy (going across as a bar graph) should be pretty equal down the list.  Anything that gets out of whack, especially way over the level of the Degree of Commitment, is Eros love.

So if you have 0% way to the left & 100% way to the right, on Physical – intercourse is 100%, on Commitment – marriage is 100%.

Draw the bar out and see where your relationships come out.  It’s a pretty thought provoking concept.

OK, I know for many of you, you’re already Physically at 100%.  You can’t go back and change what you’ve done at this point.  But you can evaluate your motives and be honest with yourself.  Are you hurting others, and yourself, by having relationships for the purpose of what you want or are your relationships real, true, commited- to- each- other relationships?

If you take the physical part out of the equation, this relationship goes for friends too.  Are you in the relationship for what your friend can do for you or what you can do for your friend?  Look for friendships that matter, not ones that will end when your friend finds someone with a car, a pool, a cool pet, etc.

You all know what I mean in this blog.  I found myself nodding in agreement with Chap throughout the entire lesson.  It really points back to the golden rule – do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Wow, this blog turned into a mini coaching session – teehee.

Have a great weekend!

*Information from Dr. Chap Clark taken from his presentation in the Light University Parenting Coaching course.*

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